Thursday, June 21, 2012

Something Very Good Is Happening

Sometimes you feel as though you've left something behind-- a lingering, longing for a piece of you that may have been unwillingly let go. Other times you may feel as though you found something-- a new insight or idea, or even just a new breath is enough to create something of purpose that wasn't quite there before.

Throughout my lifetime, I have experienced both. Dipping my foot and feeling the soak of moments and experience that will ripple along with the movement of life. However, I can't say that I have ever had BOTH of these feelings at the same time, until now.

One of the most vivid recollections of that left-behind-feeling had to have been on the flight home from India. It was apparent, even as the seat belt sign was still on, that I had taken off and said an invisible farewell to a part of myself at the gate. This feeling continued to find its way into my gut as I started to compete again. Soon after the competition ended and the adrenaline of the meet was settled, a sinking sort of ache was left in the place of the piece of me that I gave away to the experience.

Over the last two years, I have actually grown rather accustomed to that feeling of leaving something behind after big races; however, even though it is expected, it is never less any notable. It's that feeling of forgetting to pack toilet paper when backpacking through the woods. It is the same feeling as forgetting your child at the grocery store and drive away from the parking lot. It is also that feeling of getting the wind completely knocked out of you by a force unknown to any cerebral awareness. Aching and empty, all at the same time.

As I left Bismarck on Sunday afternoon, that feeling was ever present and ever expected. However, something strange was also lurking nearby: I had also realized that I had found something.

That "something" is left without a name, an orphaned child destined for electric red hair and even bolder Broadway vocals. Although not completely aware of its nature nor creation, I can tell that it is something just as powerful as those other feelings, and even greater in scope.

Although I can't fully understand these notions and feelings, I know that they are exactly what I should be feeling now. I know that they are more powerful together than they would be apart, and I will embrace them in that odd-couple marriage inside of me.

Something very good is happening.

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