Pool Therapy: Part II

Now, as I entered high school, I did so like any other self-conscious, yearning-to-belong-to-something teen. However, I also continued to carry that moment of undeserving relay swimming in the back of my heart. Wicked combo.

As a freshman, I was placed rather effortlessly on the varsity team-- again, feeling as though it was a mistake, a position I hadn't the skill to fulfill. Nevertheless, I went to that practice group anyway.

The lanes were arranged from fastest to slowest, and with my teenage mindset, I settled happily into lane 5 (there were only six lanes!) I was comfortable there and was sure that I could live out all of my dreams in that lane; only looking back now, realizing that I had pre-stifled most of my real dreams before I even stepped onto that pool deck.

At that point, all that I wanted to do was blend in in life. I did so in class, and I was going to do so in the pool. If it weren't for my coach (who actually saw more from me that I did), things would have gone just fine.

In that very first week of my freshman year practice, my coach had attempted to challenge me. Now as a memory, I COMPLETELY understand the intention of my coach; however, as a fragile 14-year-old, I only saw defeat. In front of the entire team, snotty seniors and all, I was to swim my best 100-butterfly for a time--and if I were to make it, the whole team was going to be rewarded by getting out of practice early. I could have cried right then and there.

As the girls waded and situated themselves around my now emptied lane, I breathed in the weight of thirty teenage minds wanting to get out of practice early. I closed my eyes and dove in.

I swam my hardest... or I thought I did. I couldn't help focusing on those faces lined strategically throughout my swim. I didn't even want to come up for air, for fear that I would connect eyes with one of them. Rather than being proud to have been chosen for such a challenge, I was both embarrassed and petrified of the outcome.

And, as my solo race came to a finish, I knew that there was no way that I had accomplished such a feat. The punishment was brought to all-- a horrendous kick set. Thank you, Ryan. (Although none of the girls actually said anything, I felt all of those sarcastic undertones.) How could that coach put me in such an impossible position?? I am not sure I ever fully recovered from those feelings, and found myself hiding in lane-5 for my remaining 3 years.

Looking back, of course I now see what my coach did that day. He saw the potential in me that I had always lacked seeing for myself. That day, he gave me a choice: I could either continue down that self-loathing swim path that I was on, or change it and become a really great swimmer.

We all know what I chose.

However, as I sit with those feelings now, I think that I am nearer to changing my path. I think that I can recognize those undeserved undeserving feelings and work with them. At least now I am going to try.

I leave for the Paralympic Trials on Tuesday. I will compete in Bismarck, North Dakota from the 14th to the 16th, and the Paralympic Team will be announced on Sunday the 17th once all of the results are in. I am not expecting anything other than to actually swim my races as though I actually deserve to be there. Whatever becomes of that is, of course, the outcome of that other path that I never chose for myself. And for that, I am truly excited.