Monday, September 20, 2010

Exhaustion Isn't Enough

With my meet coming up in a little less than two weeks, I can't help but allow a flood of feelings and waves of emotions towards my heart.

I am really doing this.

Those are the words that I keep incessantly repeating over and over again in my mind. Not because I am hesitant in anyway, but simply because of the opposite: I am excited from every molecule of my body.

Likewise, however, I am also tired from every molecule in my body. I spent the latter part of my Saturday night gorging myself--free from any guilt--full of food at Starbucks (yes, I said FOOD). I had finished my longest and hardest swim to date and by the time it was all said and done, both mind and body were waving that little white flag, now full of frays and stains. It was all I could do to make it across the street to the always-convenient Starbucks location next to the pool. That evening, I consumed well over 1000 calories in pure Starbucks delight; without it, I fear, I would have never quite made it home.

I haven't felt this sort of energy depletion since... well, since ever. The closest thing I have to it would be post-marathon or triathlon exhaustion. But this is definitely more. More exhaustion, but then again it involves a lot more heart too.

More than anything, I am proud of this tiredness. It comes from a special place inside of me that has been hiding my whole life. This exhaustion proves that I am not only strong enough inside and out, but that I am brave enough.

This is the first time I have been brave enough. I am really doing this.

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