Whispers in the Wind

There's a whisper in the wind. There's always a whisper in the wind, but it's up to each of us to chose to listen to it.

Lately there has been a lot of wind. Whistling, swirling, lingering, and trying to tell me something.

It is no secret that my confidence, particularly in my swimming, has remained to be one of the most weighing and troubling parts of this journey. However, the wind has called my name and has reminded me of most of those things that I am unwilling to accept from others, and by no means able to produce myself.

Swirls and calls of those things that I have accomplished, yet neglected to see: being selected as an example of a Paralympic swimmer at a sport demo event in Boulder, being named Colorado Sportswoman of the Year for Paralympics this year, and receiving a few recent donations from strangers that, too, would tell me those same things that I am only willing to hear from the nonchalance of the wind.

On some level, I have come so far in this journey; yet still so far away from seeing an end in sight.

This weekend I will drive down to the Olympic Training Center in Colorado Springs to compete in my last swim competition before the Paralympic Trials in June. I recognized, for the first time today as I was packing that this could very well be the last time I will ever have the opportunity to compete in this prestigious athletic facility-- and, in some part, this own exotic world of Paralympic swimming.

I haven't made a plan beyond the Paralympic Trials. I have done so, or not done so, quite intentionally. I haven't wanted to look into that future just yet-- I'd rather enjoy the anticipation of today. However, when my own monologue realized that this may be the end, I just breathed into the wind and let it finally know that I have been listening, and that I'm not ready to be done just yet.

That Quiet Underneath

When I am swimming and underwater, it is so much like being somewhere else. There are so few sounds, no voices, little distraction... just me and that quiet underneath.

Underwater there aren't things like bills to pay or mortgages to fret about.
There are no fears of not making it.
Worries of disappearing eyebrows (thanks to that very chlorine wonderland, no doubt) diminish into rising bubbles.

Underwater there isn't a time to say the wrong thing.
There are no students failing, nor struggling to be something more than just a student.
Words like "can't" or "won't" don't exist under the surface of the water.

Underwater there aren't rejection letters for grant proposals, or sponsorships, or manuscript queries.
There isn't any piling laundry.
Facebook, Twitter, and email cannot possibly thrive at such depths.

Underwater there is no miscommunication between friends.
There aren't any wheelchairs.
Juggling multiple lives within the same body just isn't a necessary part of floating among the blueish tiles.

Underwater there is no need for shoveling snow, twelve times over.
There are no restrictions to one's movement or mobility.
Imaginations swim widely underneath the surface of the water.

Underwater there aren't any due dates or deadlines.
There are no crowds that look straight beyond the individual.
Insensitivity, ignorance, and selfishness definitely don't know how to swim.

Yet, all of these things DO exist beyond the water's surface; but being able to escape them for moments at a time make it that much easier to approach them once I am through with that quiet underneath.

Just as I tend to escape and swim straight from many, very real, aspects of my life there are also ones that I wish that I could take with me on my underwater journey, as well as ones that I know I miss out on while swirling around tiles and blowing bubbles.

I think what is really important is that I have that underwater haven to retreat to, reflect on, and then rise from. Without it, I wouldn't know how to react to many parts of my life-- as well as find what's truly important. I have found that those things that I long to be with me underwater are the very things that matter most in my life; and those things that I dare to escape from, are really not so hard once I reemerge.

Canon Documentary from the Wonderful Sharon Levy Freed

"Now Look at You!"

The other day, one of my co-workers swung around in her swivel chair in the midst of a bunch of typical, hushed morning planning period and recalled, "I can remember a few years ago, when you said to me in a conversation that you were getting older and hadn't accomplished anything yet. How funny is that?! Now look at you!"

I turned to her, smiled a half-lipped smile as if I were really afraid of showing my fondness for her intention, turned back to my computer screen, and proceeded to type out my lesson on protein synthesis for the day.

Although that slight conversation that morning in my office resonated deep within me, it hasn't been until now that I have fully let myself recognize the meaning behind it all. Several swim sessions later, both pondering those words and breathing in the bubbles of that complement, I realized that she was completely right.

I know that I refer to it a lot, but I know that I am on the right path because of the subtle, and sometimes not-so-subtle, gifts that the Universe has sent down to guide and encourage me. Not only have I fulfilled a dream of swimming for my country this year (and sometimes more importantly received the swim cap to prove it), but I have also been able to be a third-portion of a beautiful group of women striving to make a very intentional impact on this world.

Beyond that, in the last week alone I have had a training short-documentary created to display my personal swim story, as well as the awesome camera that was used to make it. The madness continues even! Today, I became the proud new owner of ten fresh copies of a "Chicken Soup for the Soul" book that I was lucky enough to be published in. I actually hugged the book when I saw it.

This world is a crazy, wonderful thing if you just let it be. Dare to make a statement about what you have or have not yet accomplished in life and the Universe will find a way to challenge it... trust me.

Talking About Swimming...

One of the most fantastic things about life is when a phone call, or even an email, can completely change everything in your current outlook. I've been blessed enough to experience this concept several times in my life so far; and I can tell you, that it is an amazing reminder of what it feels and means to be alive.

My call/email? It was from an educator from Canon USA. She completely stumped me (even in writing) as she eloquently proposed a short documentary creation solely about me! Explaining that a photograph that was taken of me for Colorado View Magazine early last year was the only indicator that I would be the perfect subject in this short, mini film.

Over the course of the last few days, I have been interviewed and videotaped both swimming and working out in my adapted gym. The interview was easy and, dare I say, fun. The woman heading up the project is a dream to work with: so expressive, quite energetic, and definitely encouraging. I was able to share the parts of myself that I am most proud of and the reasons and steps that I've taken to get there.

Something that I have realized over the last year or so of my journey is that I absolutely love to talk about swimming. When I am fortunate enough to talk about swimming my heart races, sugarplums dance in my head, and puppy-dog tails come flowing out of my mouth. I'm pretty sure my eyes sparkle too.

Today was the in-water shoot, and due to the unpredictability and immense spectrum of Colorado weather, I was able to swim outside! It was a magical workout, although I felt completely responsible for making perfect strokes every single time and now have a glimpse of the great stress it must be to be one of those great swim folks who swim for instructional videos.

What I learn from all of this? I learn every single day that if you do what you love, it shows, and good things happen. 

Not only will I be able to share an undoubted beautiful mini-documentary of this journey, but I was also incredibly surprised by a supportive and generous donation from Canon as well! Do it-- do what you love.

Face Today. Embrace Today. Live Today.

The New Year is here to remind us to learn from our past and hope for the future; however, I can't help to think that most of us are just dying for a new year and a new start and neglecting the notion that an entirely new calendar year simply can't change your life by the stroke of midnight.

So, today should be the day to recognize those things that you would change in the progress of time-- and do something about it. Don't worry about the resolution part of it, don't worry about all of those woes and misfortunes. Decide what is keeping you from your own bliss and DO something.

The only one who can dictate how this year will be is YOU. It is not the action of New Year's fairies nor the power of wishing really, really hard with your eyes squinted. If today causes you to reconsider an entire calendar year, then a course of action must be set. For you have no power over the events of a year's time, only the time that you, personally, spend in it--breath by breath.

Longing for a different time (or a different year) forces one to take themselves out of the moment and out of today.

Face today. Embrace today. Live today.

A Path of Most Meaning for Me

I'm not even sure where to start. Good friend, Blogger, it's been awhile.

I haven't necessarily been on strike, nor have I had a lack of content to write about; but for whatever reason, I have kept more of a recluse status since returning from Guadalajara. It's also not depression or my busy schedule. However, as time passes and more life cranks by, I seem to get more and more bogged down by how to catch up and simultaneously write something meaningful and heartfelt. So, finally, I am not going to worry about it anymore. I am just going to write.

Being in the midst of the infamously tumultuous holiday season, I find myself being more and more introspective than normal. My thoughts jump across the sky as though a meteor shower of the mind. Some of those stars resemble my current financial state, or my ever-present swim goals, or my two-year-old niece, or my lack of gutters, or my desire to write, or my grandma, or my addiction to soy lattes, or my increasingly numb hands, or my talking laundry pile, or my obviously neglected blog. You see? Meteor shower.

At any rate, I am pushing forward and finding a path of most meaning for me. What is most remarkable, is that I have no idea what this path actually looks like, nor feels like until actually stepping right on it. Perhaps that is exactly what life should be.

I have always felt it important to neither dwell in the past or future of your journey, but rather the immediate moment. And here in this moment, I cannot be bothered with my empty bank account, nor my desire to swim in London, but rather I need to take care of right now.

There are plenty of things just on the horizon, glowing the color of hope and excitement. These things include a brief sample documentary, new wheelchair caster wheels, getting a story published in the Chicken Soup for the Soul series, planning a swim training session/spring break extravaganza, more sunlight in my days, and working on establishing Team AWE to be everything that I know it could be.

But those things, even though in sight, are still far from this present moment, so I will hold off some on that excitement and focus and my excitement of this day, today.

As a matter of fact, I think it's time to go find that "today's excitement", that path of most meaning for me -- and you should too...